Everyone seems to have fond memories of Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll, so I decided to give the book a try. The story is echoed and referenced in many other cultural works, so I confess that my standards were very high.
Within a few pages of reading I already hated it, but I powered through it nevertheless, hoping that there would be some redeeming quality somewhere. I was mistaken. What’s worse, Alice, the heroine, is a bumbling idiot and an embarrassment for girls everywhere.
Reeling in my disappointment over such an important cultural work, I decided there was only one course of action: Alice had to die.
So intent was my murderous ambition, that I decided to read through the book again to pinpoint the likely places where Alice would bite the dust. Here are a few excerpts:
The rabbit-hole went straight on like a tunnel for some way and then suddenly down, so suddenly that Alice had not a moment to think about stopping herself before she found herself falling down a very deep well.
thump! thump! down she came upon a heap of sticks and dry leaves, and the fall was over.
Alice was dead.
I love the previous excerpt because you get to kill off Alice right at the start of the story and spare yourself any more inane nonsense. I also did a quick sketch of the scene (above).
The Queen turned crimson with fury, and, after glaring at her for a moment like a wild beast, screamed ‘Off with her head!’
Plop! The knave obeyed.
And finally, if you were as sore as I was about being duped into reading the whole stupid book, you might want to grab her right at the end:
Alice got up and ran off, thinking while she ran, as well as she might, what a wonderful dream it had been.
Lost in thought, Alice did not notice the rocks in her path. She tripped, broke her neck, and died.
If you have any other ways that Alice could die within the story, I’d love to hear them.